Goodbye Love
by crionna gra
Summary: Rod dies and Mac copes.


**This is my first story for Commander in Chief .. my FAVORITE show. I hope you guys like it. I didnt have a beta, so im sorry if some words are misspelled or whatever. Please leave me plenty of comments and reviews!**

She stood alone, everyone else long gone. She gazed at the casket as it was being lowered into the ground, taking away the love of her life. Soon the dark colored casket will be covered with dirt, enclosing him darkness like her heart. The flowers that surrounded the casket will die just like her soul has.

One of her Secret Service Agents walked up to her telling her it was time to go. Time was a funny thing. She thought they would have all the time in the world. They had it all planned out. After she was done with her presidency and Amy was finally off to college they would move to the beach and grow old together in each others arms. No more scandals, no one could try and ruin their marriage. They would have each other and thats all that mattered. They really thought they would have all the time in the world, but that was just a lie covering the painful truth. The truth she had no choice but to accept. They had no time at all and before it had begun, it ended.

She loved him and she knew that he loved her. No matter how many times they fought, they would always apologize and make-up. But not this time. They had another fight and no matter how hard she tries to remember why, she cant. She does remember words that were better left unsaid. She remembers him storming out of the Residence in a rage. She remembers feeling tears of anger, pain and fear stream down her face. But no matter how hard she tries she cant remember what the fight was about, or she wont let herself remember why they fought.

She waited up for him. She knew he would come back home. He always did. But this time he didnt. She remebers Jim coming into the Residence with an unreadable expression on his face. He told her that Rod was in a car accident. She wouldnt believe him. She screamed at him for saying such things. Things that didnt and wouldnt happen. The Secret Service was there to protect him, nothing was gonna happen to him. Jim tried to explain to her what happened but she wouldnt listen. She just went back to their bedroom to wait for him. To tell him about what Jim had told her and that mabye he was part of the joke, just so that she would know that she couldnt live without him. But she already knew that. Jim or Rod dont have to remind her.

She fell asleep wrapped in Rod sweatshirt on his side of the bed holding tightly onto his pillow waiting for him to come home. He would come home. She was sure of it. He would come back and they would apologize and fall in love with each other all over again and vow to make their marriage better. They would go to Camp David. They would spend time together, just the two of them. They would go horseback riding, swimming, and just cuddle up with each other on a porch swing and look at the stars while holding hands and never letting go of each other. They would go back to bed that night and make passionate love to each other until the sun rose the next morning and then they would do it all again.

But when she woke up and realized he wasnt there. She ran downstairs to see if he was there, sleeping on the couch because he was too ashamed to go back to bed. But when she reached the family room she was greeted by Rod, but by Kate, Horace, Becca, Jim and Kelly all having the same looks on their face. Then it hit her. Rod really was dead. He wasnt coming home. He never would.

At that relization a tear rolled down her face. She realized that she will never have his arms wrap around her and she would never be able to cuddle with him on cold nights. They would never kiss or make love again. They would never be together, ever again and with that her legs gave away and she fell to the floor crying.

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Everyone in the White House and the rest of America had taken great pity on her. The media wouldnt leave it alone it was on every singe freakin' channel. Jim, Kelly and Vince tryed to talk to her, help her through it. But when she never responded they gave up. She had long ago. She planned the funeral fast. Like a madwoman not leaving the Residence until everything was perfect.

She felt she owed him. But something inside her couldn´t let her rest. His last words, the anger they were spoken with. And then the picture of his retreating back, all mingled up in her head, granting her no sleep. They never forgave each other, never had the chance too. All the aweful things that had been said. All the things she said to him. Mac couldnt help thinking about that night. She dreamed of him. Night after night. Every dream helped make clearer to her what happened. She had to make his funeral perfect, nothing could go wrong. She never had a chance to say sorry and when he died, he did dispising her.

The whole time she planned his funeral she did with a straight face. Her poker face , or so she had once called it. She couldn´t break down, not like the morning she finally accepted he was dead. She was needed, she had to arrange his funeral. A funeral he deserved, were all her love had flowed into.

However, there was the fact that she was the President of The United States. Even if she wanted to she couldnt take off some time but she couldn´t. She needed work, to forget what happened. To have something on her mind so she wouldn´t think of him. The touch she would never feel again, his kisses, his gentle smiles only reserved for her. The love with which he blanketed her throughout the day.

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She watched the coffin being lowered into the earth. Gently, slowly. Into the last place he would rest at.

He had been handsome, even after life. She had chosen a shirt and some pants for him. Unconciously making him wear the clothes she liked most. Through eternity. She had chosen the epitaph on his tombstone carefully.

_In the arms of an Angel._

That was were she wished he would be. That was what she felt like whenever she had been in his arms. When they had hugged, kissed or rested at night.

They had assured her that he hadn´t felt any pain. He was dead immediatly after the crash.

She held on to that.

Earth was put over the coffin. Soon nothing but brown could be seen. The white of the lillies had faded.  
She stood until he was buried. No one was there anymore. Many people had come. People who had known him. So many. Friends, family and others, to say their goodbye.

She walked over to his tombstone. Taking a last look at the words engraved. She laid a single white rose on it. Kissing her hand, then touching the tombstone with it.

_' I love you. I´m sorry.'_

Those were the last words she uttered. Her voice a mere croak, from lack of use.  
She looked up into the sky. Gray clouds hanging deep, threatening. The smell of rain in the air.

In her inner eye she could see him. A faint smile on his face. A smile he had only given her. Full of assurance. A smile she held only memories of. A smile she would never see again.

When she got back to the residence she ran up the stairs and into what was once THEIR bedroom. Once she was in the room she went to his dresser and grabbed his favorite sweatshirt and sweatpants and put them on.She crawled into their bed and laid on his side, hugging tightly once again onto his pillow remembering all the good times that had taken place in here. The silent promises they gave each other.

but they are worth nothing, not anymore.

She turned on her side and stroked over her pillow case. The place were she used to sleep. Always turned to him. Sometimes catching him gazing at her while she slept. Watching over her at all times.

She held tighter onto his pillow, freeing his scent from it. Making it waft around her. She pulled his pillow to her body tighter, hugging it close. Imagining that it was him she was holding. His aftershave she was smelling.

When she closed her eyes saw faint images of him and her. Smiling at each other, hugging, kissing. And making love. Even fighting pointless fights. Holding on to every little memory she had. Trying to make the faint figure of him become real. Trying to bring him back somehow. Knowing she couldn´t. Knowing full well that it was a lost battle.

The "what if" played through her mind. What if she hadn´t had screamed at him? Or tried to calm down, to understand his reasoning? Or what if she would´ve run after him? Trying to talk it out?

Just a minute longer. Just one minute was all it would have taken. One minute later on the road and he would have found a huge fallen tree on the road. He would of have driven around it.

But he had never had that minute. Therefor when the tree fell he was under it.

She never tried to imagine what it must´ve been like for him. Couldn´t bring herself to do it. She couldnt help wondering what the last thing he must of have seen before he died. She hoped that it was her face, that it was her saying that she loved him.

Then a bolt of lightning, followed by an earshattering thunder, brought her out of her reverie. She bolted upright in bed.  
Had she heard right? It had sound like him screaming her name.

She looked around their bedroom. Everything was neat, at its usual place. But he was missing. If she could just hear him one more time, one more utterance, one more laugh. She would give everything.

Suddenly her eyes filled with tears. The first flow of tears since his death. The first time she cried for honest. The first time she let go of her pain wretched screams, full of sadness. Finally the feeling of loss settled. A feeling of truth, anger, remorse. She couldn´t make it out.

With a tear streaked face and emotion filled eyes she looked heavenwards. Sobbing in earnest wishing he would be there. Like he had always been, to comfort her, take her in his arms and soothe her pain.

He was dead.

She clutched his pillow to her chest, remembering him in his coffin.

'ROD!'

She screamed his name over and over, like a chant sung to bring someone back.

Mac swayed back and forth in their bed. Feeling her heart finally shattering. Into a million pieces.

After awhile she fell back exhausted. Her last strength had gone. The grief was overpowering her and then winning.

Soon all the strain from the last days came over her, numbing her, making her sleepy. Mac laid back on his side of the bed, sobbing quietly.

And then she fell asleep. Alone, cold, shaken to the core.


End file.
